Oh Yeah BTW I Moved To China (Month 2)

Chinese Traffic

#@$*&^+! Basically it’s a no holds barred, traffic lights don’t mean shit, pedestrians NEVER have the right of way type scenario. There are green, yellow, and red lights. There are crosswalks. There are do not enter signs. There are speed signs. There are two way and one-way streets. There are yield signs. But drivers DO-NOT- FOLLOW-ANY-OF -THEM! If someone needs to cut across 3 lanes of traffic to make a left turn against a turn left red light, they just do it. If you need go down a one way the wrong way to shave 30 seconds off your commute time, you just do it. Need to run that red light and cut off a bus while you’re in your motorbike with a cage full of chickens? 
Go for it! Fuck the consequences! 

This is the norm!

It’s amazing that I haven’t seen more accidents or fatalities since I’ve been here. But I have seen lots of “Oh shit that dude almost got smashed” and “ What the fuck is that person doing?” Cars, busses, bikes, motorcycles, and scooters all fight for the same space in traffic and cut each other off to gain ground. Imagine rush hour in any major U.S city; now multiple it by ten. Then add bicycles, scooters, motorcycles, and the fact that virtually no one obeys signs. That’s what it’s like. My rule when I cross the street is this, wait for a group of 6 or more Chines people to cross, and then put them between me and the cars at the light. This way, if some jackass decides he can’t wait, I have a nice 6+ person cushion before I potentially get my legs broken. Also I see a lot of this:

Photo courtesy of Tamara Lunsford.

Whatever the cargo, it’s always much more than you think the bike can hold.

Party Hard Bro!

The second is the nightlife, specifically bars and clubs. People LOVE to party here. You will go out and see all ages dancing, drinking, and smoking. And when I say all ages, I mean ALL AGES. You can bring your kids into the bar or club with you. Yep. Not a typo. I was in a bar listening to a jazz band from Guangzhou lay down a decent cover of “Very Superstitious” by the great Stevie Wonder, when I saw what I thought was a midget. I got excited for a second, not in that way, because I haven’t seen a midget in real life since 2012. But then I looked closer and realized it was a child! I asked some of the people I was with about it, and they said, “ Oh yeah that’s normal. See that group over there, they’re all high school kids!” Then it occurred to me that they didn’t check my id at the door. Then a week later, my mind was blown when I was out and I saw a child of about 10 drink a bottle of beer with a man I assumed was his father/uncle/older brother or older cousin. If the kid had lite up a cigarette I might be in jail right now because I would have struck his dad or whoever the fuck he was with a bar stool!

I actually googled "Horrible DJs"and found this!

Aside from the no minimum drinking age then, bars and clubs are the same everywhere.  It’s dark, people smoke, people get drunk, people fight, and the music is the same shitty, BOOM-BOOM-BOOM music that all shitty, lazy DJs around the world play. But the clubs are different in that, so far as I can see at least in Foshan, people don’t dance. There is a stage area where dancers and music groups perform, which so far has been my favorite part, but once they are done, the stage remains empty. 

A few shots from ShowBar:

I had no idea what was going on.

 Check out the guy in the lower left corner, he looks so sad.  Dude, stop being a such a downer!

The best lip synching group in Foshan!

See the girl on the left with the white heels, she doesn't know it yet, but she's my future ex-wife! 

That's Oscar. He's cool.

So this girl did some sort of erotica dance in a giant martini glass. It was more comical than hot.

Occasionally a few people show up to dance, but the rest of the time, Chinese people just stand or sit at their table and drink. They also smoke more than the cast of Mad Men and play this dice game where you have guess what the other person rolled. But even when you make it into a drinking game, it’s boring as shit. They also enjoy playing paper, rock, and scissors when they go out, which is only cool for the first five minutes.

Giraffe vs. Garaffs

My Mandarin has not been progressing as much I as I had hoped, so communicating with people outside my English-speaking peer group has been challenging. To be completely transparent, I’ve never felt more stupid or helpless in my life. The tone combinations, the unnatural vowel sounds, the fact that the same word can be said four different god damn ways and mean four different things depending on the tone is beyond excruciating. Oh, oh, oh what’s really frustrating, almost soul crushing, is that fact that people won’t or can’t bridge the gap when you ask something. I’m not talking about them trying to understand English; I’m talking about the tones of Chinese. Say for example I’m a cab driver in USA and I encounter someone from another country. They speak with a heavy, non-English accent, but they know enough to ask, “ Could you show me how to get to the zoo? I want to show my son the giraffes.” Easy.

But remember, his English isn’t that crisp, so he says “Garaffs” instead of “Giraffes.” No problem. If he’s going to the zoo, of course he must mean “Giraffes.”

What I don’t think or say is, “What the fuck is Garaff? You are totally confusing me with the incorrect pronunciation. So much so, that everything you said before that word makes no sense, and I literally can’t operate this vehicle now!”

Every cab driver I have encountered, even the people I work with, seem to mentally shut down when I get a tone wrong. If I’m going to a restaurant that is known for COOKING DEER, DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M GOING TO THERE TO EAT ROAD OR LAND? 

This language is bullshit

It seems like a rather silly scenario, and the first time it happened, it was funny. But when it happened over and over and over with different words and scenarios, I got angry with myself and said, “Forget it! From now on, I either walk somewhere or take public transportation! Why the fuck did I have to choose THIS COUNTRY? Why didn’t I go to someplace in Central or South America where they speak a language that isn’t absurdly complicated?”

When I calmed down and stopped feeling sorry for myself, I thought, “Hey take it easy. Mandarin is one of the hardest languages in the world and unlike Spanish; you have no background or foundation for it.  And it’s been what, two months? Remember how lucky you are to be here at this place in time! “ 

So I started lessons online recently, and although I still feel stupid as fuck, they seem to be helping.

But there have been more peaks than valleys since my last post:

Baiyun Mountain.

It was an all day event of climbing and sweating. By the time I got home, I was beyond exhausted.You can’t quite see it clearly, but the woman to the right of my friend Michael is wearing heels. I saw easily, 10,000 people during the course of the day and I would say at least 5% of the women I saw wearing heels! Ladies, I know you want to look good, but on such an occasion as CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN, do your feet a favor and wear some comfy shoes!  

Do you have to be fashionable all the time?

And yes, it is THIS gorgeous in real life! 

Near the summit, there are dragons carved right into the side of the mountain.

Cave entrance on the right.

People are assholes all around the world

Litter bugs

I'm taking a picture of you taking a picture of a landscape!

Redtory Art & Design District In Guangzhou.

Special thank you to my friend Echo, not only for taking this awesome picture of me, but also for being my ever so patient guide and companion during my adventures. The Redtory art district doesn’t look like much from the outside, but don’t let that fool you, lots of art goodness awaits inside!

I wish this was my passport photo!

A little breakfast.

Just outside Redtory

Xiao Zhou Cun

I traveled out to the Eastern Suburbs of Guangzhou, again thank you Echo, to this picturesque fishing village. Great food, nice scenery, cool shops, birds in cages, and the best green tea I have ever had!

Me looking up at some cool baskets.

Birds

This is on someone's front door! 

This is a warm pudding type of dessert. It's made out of ground up seeds and it's quite good.

The best green tea I have ever had. AND it was FREE!

Just a dead rat floating down the river...

Peace Mao!

Southern China Botanical Gardens.

I didn’t do any climbing during this trip, but I was more physically drained than the day I climbed Baiyun Mountain. The reason? Children. Thousands of them. The entire school attended this field trip as well as other primary schools; so imagine countless hordes of children releasing their energy into the wild, affecting the atoms of everything around them, with equal parts positive and negative. The children were fine, in fact they were fun to be around (think mock fights with toy swords), but the energy needed to keep up with them…wow!

Peace.

I have no idea what this says.

Even when I was just sitting down on a bench enjoying my ice cream cone, I could feel the wheels inside my head slowly grinding to a halt. At 1:30 pm, a good three hours before departure time, I turned to my coworker Jacob and said, “I can’t wait to get out of here and sleep in my bed!”

But the gardens themselves were gorgeous and well worth a second visit.

Carved from a a fallen tree!

Same here.

Waterfalls

Cacti

Amaryllis

You could actually buy a baby duck to take home.

BBQ pits

Poor baby duck :(

You could also buy turtles and salamanders.

Kinky Plein Air Painting

There have been some really fun and really humbling teaching moments recently. 

First the fun moments. Who doesn't love plein air painting? Not quite the same as having an easel, a hand held palette, paints, and a mountain range to inspire you. But the kids loved it and so did their parents.

My grade 1 kids getting their paint on.

That's Thomas. He's really smart and a trouble maker! But in a good way.

Thomas's partner in crime, Kalphin.

Last week when the lesson plan I wanted to do wouldn’t work, I told them to draw their favorite animal. Dogs, cats, fish, snakes, and scorpions were the top animals drawn.

Now for the humbling part. I don’t know if this applies to all children, but when you make a mistake in front of Chinese children, they let you know immediately! Have you ever had 45 seven your olds point out your spelling error all at once? I can now put that on my experience list. A few times I have been able to play it off with, “ I was just testing you! I spelled eleven wrong on purpose!” 

Other times, not so much. I don’t recall the exact date now, but I was teaching one of my regular second grade classes about items in the kitchen. Spoons, plates, glass, and dish, that sort of thing. I wrote the word knife on the board and drew a picture to help. So when I turned around, I was meet with a sea of confusion. They all had this "look." Not confusion. Not even bewilderment or uncertainty covers it. Do know the look on a dogs face, when they are trying to figure something out?

Say what?

That’s the look they all had. A few hands were up, but the body language wasn’t confident. When I surveyed for answers I had multiple “keekys” and “kinekys” and “kikeys” I thought to myself, “Really? That’s how you think knife is pronounced? Wow. What have they been teaching you here? Don’t worry about those Chinese test scores America, everything is going to be just fine!” Then I turned around to face the board. Guess what word I wrote next to the knife I drew? KINKY. I wrote it with no hesitation. No quietly laughing to myself before I erase the word and turn around. Nothing. Nada. The word KINKY and a knife next to it in room full of second graders! Luckily I have the language barrier thing going for me, and I quickly erased the word and wrote KNIFE. But I stood there for a few moments to process the whole thing. “Give me a moment kids, I have to go to my quiet place and thank God and the Universe that I’m not teaching in America.”

But then there is this letter. It is in the “top ten nicest things that have ever happened to me” list.

Dear Jeff,

I am writing to you to express my thanks for your help in learning English.
You are the most excellent foreign teacher I have ever met since I began to learn English from Kindergarten. You make learning English no longer boring thing but a great joy. I always have a good time in your class. More importantly, I find myself become more confident to speak English especially in your class. I think I will get the answer sooner or later as long as you coming to share your happy English with us.  Thanks again for bringing us a happy childhood. Many years later, when looking back, I think you will undoubtedly become one of the most important unforgettable people in my life.By the way, Christina told me that your phone number is 5*********. Is that  right? I want to contact you easily if I have question in learning English. Besides, my father wants to make friend with you, he has been to America last year and he is interested in west culture. Welcome to visit us whenever you can.Wish you all the best!

Sincerely yours,

David